To put rumors to rest that he participated in Jeffrey Epstein’s pedo ring, today Bill Gates admitted to Gates Foundation staffers that he only hung out with a man convicted of pimping children to have fun, light-hearted conversations with him and nothing else.
“I understand why people might think I participated in something sick like sexually abusing children given what’s coming out in the Epstein files, but I assure you I was only getting dinners with someone already convicted of sexually abusing children in order to enjoy some fun, thought-provoking dialogue,” said Gates while shedding a tear. “I did not routinely communicate and hang out with Epstein for access to children or young hot Russian women who would never be my mistress and bridge partner without being paid or coerced into doing so, only to laugh together about how I’m ever going to manage slipping antibiotics into Melinda’s food.”
Gates went on to say that while he did cheat on his wife with two Russian women and too many other previous employees of his to bother counting, it is technically not a crime to have some fun, ongoing banter with a man who trafficks little boys and girls on a private island.
“I promise you, the only reason I kept in contact with Epstein was because of how fun it was to keep talking to him long after my then wife told me not to – and, come on, is there any better high and ego trip than deceiving the person stupid enough to love you and support you more than anyone else ever has or ever will? I think not,” Gates said, wistfully looking at the spot where Melinda’s name had been chiseled off a Gates Foundation sign. “How else was I supposed to process my mommy issues and finally feel like a big boy? I only had more than a hundred billion dollars to figure something else out.”
At press time, Gates also clarified he only got dinner with President Donald Trump last year for shits and giggles.
