Following a year of ever-expanding home foliage, today one local man resigned himself to his crippling plant addiction by simply signing his entire paycheck over directly to Ballard’s Swansons Nursery.
“I can already feel my green thumb itching, ready for another hit of that sweet, sweet chlorophyll,” said Matt Hudson, filling a trolley with an array of verdant vegetation. “I’ll be spending my entire paycheck here one way or another, why not cut out the middle man? I think I’m going to need to finally get rid of my couch to fit this new batch in my apartment, but the good news is I can just pawn it to buy more plants.”
While many of his friends and family expressed concern at the growing jungle within his home, Hudson defended his two-plant-a-day habit as a hobby that he has completely under control.
“I don’t have a problem, I just have a passion for pothos, a desire for dracaena, a hankering for hydrangeas, I feel the need…the need for seeds, baby,” said Hudson, moving his new plants into a prime location near his south-facing window. “I’m just having a little space issue right now, that’s all. So sometimes my fiddle leaf sleeps in my bed with me, lots of people sleep with their plants. Next you’re going to try to tell me people don’t have shower ferns.”
Needling reporters followed up with Hudson’s family who were able to confirm that he was finally forced to seek help after he was caught attempting to liberate some cuttings from rare plants in the Amazon Spheres.
