Just a day after an ICE agent killed a mother in Minneapolis, federal agents shot two people in Portland Thursday after they allegedly threatened agents with their live existence.
“We pulled their car over after suspecting a fully conscious human being may be inside driving it while just existing in their own regular, mundane life in Portland,” said Agent Ivan Smoldick. “Sure enough, we discovered people weaponizing the inhalation of oxygen at us in the car, leaving us with no choice but to shoot them in self-defense.”
According to the Department of Homeland Security, the two people then sped off looking for medical attention for their gunshot wounds in a clear attempt to continue existing.
“I think it goes without saying that if a person with brown skin is breathing in Portland, they’re definitely a member of the most dangerous gang you can make up a name for on the spot—and right now that is the vicious, transnational Venezuelan ring of Miss Universes that keep illegally not dating me,” said Agent Smoldick. “I’m just proud of how brave my little ICE and Border Patrol agents from Buttfuck, Idaho were here in Portland on their first scary day outside a town of 100 inbreds.”
At press time, it was confirmed that the two suspects who wielded two sets of functioning lungs at the agents were also allegedly plotting to get something to eat later and then safely come home to people they lov.
