Jealous of the attention they got all day Tuesday for Holocaust Remembrance Day, President Donald Trump is now reportedly demanding to be considered a Holocaust survivor.
“We asked him if he’d like to go to Palestine or Sudan and just be a genocide survivor, but he said those genocides weren’t famous enough,” said one source close to the president. “He’s already stopped playing with his Nobel Peace Prize and said he won’t stop crying until the Anti-Defamation League and Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu tell the world that no one survived the Holocaust better than Donald Trump.”
Angry that he was not immediately gifted a yellow badge, identification number tattoo and AI imagery of him being liberated from Dachau, Trump has already threatened tariffs on Israel if he is not immediately granted Holocaust survivor status.
“Dear Bibi, considering your ‘country’ decided not to designate me the best survivor of the Holocaust of all time for having survived 8 genocides including the Holocaust, I no longer feel an obligation to think purely of passing on your generational trauma to Palestinians by funding more genocide,” said Trump in a text sent late Tuesday to Netanyahu. “Why do you have a ‘right of ownership’ of Palestine anyway? There are no international written documents, it’s only based on a bunch of exaggerated Old Testament stuff written thousands of years ago that probably never even really happened. I have done more for the Jewish people than any person since Jesus Christ. The world is not secure until I am designated one of the biggest and best victims of all time.”
At press time, Netanyahu had already agreed to build a Holocaust Museum completely dedicated to how Donald Trump led the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising before surviving all 23 main concentration camps including Auschwitz and Buchenwald until he saved more than a thousand people under the name Oskar Schindler.
