After getting mad at ICE just because they publicly executed ICU nurse Alex Pretti in the street for recording them with his iPhone, DHS says one crazy Minneapolis protester bit off an ICE agent’s micropenis.
“Do you know how ravenous this domestic terrorist had to be to not only find but get a grip on one of our ICE agent’s members?” said Border Patrol Commander Gregory Bovino, holding up a grisly photo of the half-inch long phallus in a medical cup. “It’s only a matter of time until these rabid, paid antifa actors bite the micropenises off all of our agents.”
Asked who bit the micropenis off, ICE said they were keeping that identity under wraps for now.
“Although it seems we’re usually proud to literally and figuratively character assassinate anyone who’s even slightly dinged our powerfully fragile egos—even children—on this one occassion, we want to respect the micropenis biter’s privacy,” Bovino said. “And it’s not because these photos are AI and that we completely pulled this story out of our ass to make us look like the victims here.”
At press time, DHS had formally updated its definition of domestic terrorist to anyone who can find a clit.
