Asked why no one outside the state of Washington seems to care enough about its flooded communities that just lost everything they own right before Christmas, today the nation admitted it just kinda assumed the Pacific Northwest was always kind of living underwater in some sort of giant puddle like that.
“It’s not? I mean, it always rains and people up there are always moody—totally assumed that was because they’re all wet, amphibious beings born with Goretex shells casually crawling out from one giant body of water to the next—right? No?” said Florida resident Hank Myles, who we assume lives most of his life scuba diving from one tropical pedophile island to another. “They didn’t always kayak from one room of their house to another?”
People across the nation were reportedly shocked to learn that most residents native to the Seattle area are used to living and walking on mostly dry, solid land year-round.
“The main reason I don’t want to live in the Pacific Northwest is they say it rains all the time and it’s just horrible all the time – is that not correct?” said LA resident Kim Westlake. “Every time I’ve asked what it’s like there, they say it’s just one giant, wet puddle and I shouldn’t ever come not even once, especially not during the spring, summer or fall because they’re all exactly like winter—it’s just one ugly, never-ending, messy, muddy rainy season. Right? Or no?”
At press time, the flooding in Washington had gotten so dire that Gov. Bob Ferguson is reportedly considering admitting to the nation this is usually a mostly really beautiful, safe and not literally underwater place to live and it urgently needs all the help it can get to help people live in a beautiful, safe, not underwater place again.
