Panic about ICE taking over Seattle en masse next settled down today after it was discovered the racist assholes in bulletproof vests rumored to be outside of local schools and airport terminals today were just local cops.
“Oh my God, I thought they were federal agents from who knows where plotting to racially profile, hurt and kill some of the most vulnerable people in our city with full immunity,” said relieved mother Gina Higgins who’d been warning people about the reported ICE agents on social media all day. “It’s good to know they’re just local cops from Puyallup plotting to racially profile, hurt and kill some of the most vulnerable people in our city with pretty much full immunity after a bunch of people pretend they’re really gonna hold someone accountable and use taxpayer money to fund a giant settlement to the victim’s family—way more humane and trustworthy group of people. Sorry for the alarm!”
Seattle Police Department Officer Todd Dudley says people have been making that mistake a lot lately just because the department’s plainclothes officers also do shitty things to local black and brown residents of all ages.
“Look, if we wanted to terrorize your children, we would have heavily lobbied to use what little education funding there in this state to staff more schools—and we did last year but unsuccessfully so we’re way different. We wouldn’t do it masked either — we’d be proud of that shit,” said Officer Dudley. “ICE squads are full of a bunch of Jan. 6 nutjobs that should be in jail. SPD has only had six on-the-record Jan. 6 nutjobs that should probably be in jail. The rest are a bunch of totally cool, level-headed guys who elect unhinged, MAGA white supremecists like Mike Solan to be their guild president.”
At press time, Officer Dudley assured everyone that the ICE agents who are here already are probably just former Seattle police officers.
