After threatening to do so all week, the Trump administration is reportedly backing off plans to invade Greenland next after learning its snow is not the kind you snort.
“Honestly, we were perplexed with why the president wanted to invade Greenland so bad until we saw him getting his intel from Don. Jr.—then it all made sense,” said a source who wished to stay anonymous. “The president was also dismayed to learn none of its giant cracked ‘ice cubes’ can even be smoked. Secretary Marco Rubio is really sugar crashing out because apparently Venezuela didn’t have much stuff to snort either.”
The information also came as a major blow to ICE agents who traveled from southern states to invade Minnesota this week hoping for the spoils of a different kind of white powder up north as well.
“I was told if I just agreed to tear enough families apart I’d be the Tony Montana of Minnesota,” said one grumpy ICE agent after slipping on his ass for the 15th time today. “I spent a whole day getting brain freeze snorting snow mounds here before they told me—no wonder I haven’t been as pumped as I thought I would to illegally drag Doordashers hiding inside people’s homes outside into a unmarked van.”
At press time, the Trump administration said it was still planning, however, on invading Alaska because even if it doesn’t have the right white stuff, it still has plenty of the good black stuff.
