Telling anyone who would listen “now this is how it’s fucking done,” today Venezuela bombed an American drug yacht near the Hamptons, killing all Sackler Family Cartel members aboard.
“If America can’t take care of its own narco-terrorist organizations deliberately causing things like an opioid epidemic that’s killed well over a million of its own citizens by now, we have no choice but to take matters into our own hands,” said Venezuela President Nicolás Maduro of the lethal precision strike on the Sackler’s now decimated four-story super-yacht. “Why wait 15 years for the Sackler Family Cartel to pay out $6.5 billion in damages for the millions of lives they destroyed by knowingly getting vulnerable patients addicted to painkillers like OxyContin when the world could just have their entire $11 billion+ fortune now? Besides, we can’t put it all on orcas to take them down.”
Venezuela has not been able to prove the massive amounts of drugs on the boat were being transported to another country and not just being snorted by the family alone.
“Sure, the super-yacht itself was bought with money earned from deliberate mass murder no one spent a day in jail over, but there’s no proof the mountains of coke clearly sitting out on the deck were for anyone but the Sacklers’ nostrils,” said the family’s lawyer in a statement. “And I think it goes without saying that the second strike straight up Mortimer’s butt as he tried to climb in a vintage Titanic lifeboat after the first strike was really unnecessary.”
Finding it hard to convince people Venezuela actually cares about fighting drug cartels considering how many function in its own country, President Maduro confessed he only did it to cut down on his country’s biggest competition.
