After a week of heightened speculation about what’s contained in the Epstein files, today President Donald Trump successfully disarmed everyone’s suspicions about his illegal and perverted behavior after he was seen today wearing glasses, a bookish sweater and pretending to give a shit about Melania.
“It is with great pleasure that I announce today the launch of my new non-profit, the Don and Melania Hates Foundation for people who hate infectious diseases and want to hate other stuff good too,” said President Trump as he adjusted his spectacles and cozy fall sweater. “Our foundation will first and foremost focus on the scourge of Melania—what? It’s supposed to be what? What’s malaria? Anyway, oh the lives we will save! It’s nothing, it’s the least I could make someone else do with a small fraction of my wealth, you’re welcome.”
Reporters with the sole exception of Judy Woodruff immediately changed the tune of their questions.
“It just seems so silly to keep asking such personal questions when we’re talking about a hero trying save the world from infectious diseases like Melania—or malaria, whatever it was,” said New York Times reporter Jay Spiegel. “I mean, no one’s perfect. It’s time to move onto more mature conversations and to focus on the positives that he’s bringing into the world—can’t wait for us to publish what’s on his Winter Reading List!”
At press time, Trump was reportedly considering getting around in a wheelchair from now on as well so people also swiftly forget about his mass imprisonment of immigrants.
