While most people are focusing on the negatives of starving poor people right before the holidays, some are saying ending SNAP food stamp benefits could be good for businesses like Doug Rifter’s Torch & Pitchfork Emporium in Puyallup.
“People can be so self-centered when it comes to public policy sometimes,” said Rifter. “For you, sure, it’s a nightmare because you can’t feed your kids anymore, much less yourself. For me, it’s the realization of a lifelong dream I’ve patiently waited years to reap. My goodness, we ran out of torches yesterday with how fast they were selling, and the pitchforks weren’t far behind. Our time has finally come and, boy howdy, are we ready with the finest selection of 18th century-style angry mob merch this side of the Seine.”
While waiting for the nation to go full Bastille Day-mode, Rifter says he’s employing several other strategies that help citizens get there sooner than later.
“For those just window-shopping and not sure they want to overthrow the government with a torch and pitchfork in-hand quite yet, we’ve employed a dynamic pricing model that is sure to send anyone over the edge,” Rifter said as the price of a pitchfork rose from $40 to $400 for customer the pricing model knew is just mad about hemp milk lattes being $12 now. “A lot of people wonder why I don’t just open a gun store instead, but I guess I’m just still old-fashioned about some things. Please take one of our free satirical pamphlets featuring a hilarious jape about President Donald Trump responding the cries of an increasingly poor and starved populace with ‘Let them eat ballroom party cake.’”
At press time, many were also saying it could also be great for business if the FAA and airports continue to be stretched thin by the federal shutdown including Amtrak, any company that sells car parts, and crematoriums.
