Starbucks’ stock price jumped 35% today after the company unexpectedly closed every Starbucks location.
“Our ‘Back to Starbucks’ strategy was initially a ruse for closing unionized stores, but a truly efficient company has no employees at all,” said CEO Brian Niccol. “Starbucks is creating unforgettable moments of togetherness when our customers discover their favorite Starbucks is – poof! – just gone.”
Wall Street analysts responded to Starbucks laying off 99% of its employees by asking why other companies aren’t equally committed to their investors.
“Human employees and tangible products are risky and eliminating that uncertainty allows Starbucks to become the instrument of pure capital that is the Valhalla of all corporations,” said hedge fund manager Gerrick Spum. Before Spum could continue the interview, his job was replaced by an AI-based trading algorithm that had no further comment.
Niccol said Starbucks will continue to sponsor the 2028 Olympics because, in these uncertain times, tarnished international brands need to stick together.
