Admitting there was no way to out-compete the increasingly popular wet global warming phenomenon, today Wild Waves Theme Park in Federal Way announced it’s closing after Atmospheric River completely ran it out of business.
“Times are changing and paying admission for a Raging River Ride, Pacific Plunge or Riptide is a thing of the past,” said Wild Waves President Kieren Burke. “Now anyone can get those Pineapple Expressed straight to their doorstep for free on a Wednesday afternoon thanks to Atmospheric River. I mean, you don’t even have to get out of your car to Konga mudslide into a wave pool where Orting and Sultan used to be.”
The water park, which had been operating since 1977, said it did its best to outcompete the wild water rides climate change-fueled Atmospheric Rivers are bringing for as long as it could.
“Unfortunately, we just can’t keep up with the cost of rising sea and river flooding levels happening everywhere because of global warming,” Burke said as he climbed in a kayak to row home. “The thrill level for a water park when more people are living in a literal Water World just isn’t there. We hope the area’s middle schoolers can still find ways to experience their first awkward kiss and/or period.”
At press time, Burke would neither confirm nor deny rumors of a new water-free amusement park they’re opening in the area that will reportedly be called Dry Land Is Not a Myth.
