An introverted sockeye salmon that has spent the last five years swimming the Pacific Ocean admitted today that it’s not looking forward to seeing former schoolmates in its natal stream.
“I haven’t talked to anybody in years—what if Roewanda doesn’t even remember me?” said Milt King as he turned red staring at its fins. “They’re probably all super close and everybody’s going to be looking at me like, ‘I can’t believe he even came back inland.’ But, I mean, I did already grow out my nose, hooked jaw and jagged fangs for the occasion and, of course, the Chinookie.”
Milt still hung back outside an estuary spiraling, not sure which way to go.
“Humpback whales are solitary and don’t get mysterious urges that force them to see their childhood friends—why can’t I be like them and just not even go these things?’” said Milt. “It’s all brain chemistry, but knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better. Who am I to fight these natural urges to spawn? Oh, Roewanda, I’m coming!”
At press time, Milt was relieved to discover his natal stream was blocked by an under-sized culvert so he could instead die alone way before ever going back to Auburn.
