Temporarily trading in gaiters for gimp masks, several ICE agents reportedly infiltrated Portland’s Emergency Naked Bike Ride Protest on Sunday to see if they could finally find the leader of Antifa.
“Oh, we knew,” said one protester when asked how they knew. “Not even fifty-degree temps in the rain have ever made the rest of us that small.”
Protesters said another dead giveaway that they were attempted undercover ICE operatives were the Oaklies they still wore over their gimp masks.
“These guys are not exactly masters of disguise—or of cycling,” said protestor Jason Johnson as one huffed by. “One of them was so frustrated trying figure out which gear was nitrous that he crashed after shooting his handlebar gear indicator off. Where was he hiding the gun if he was naked? Well … let’s just say their love of guns is truly not half-assed even if sometimes I’m sure it ass-halves.”
At press time, it looked like the undercover ICE agents had narrowed down a suspect for questioning after he was found to be suspiciously hung, supportive of human rights and voluntarily engaged with by more women Sunday than the agents had known in their entire lives.
