After another day of President Donald Trump not backing off his threat to authorize the “full force” of the National Guard on Portland, today the city’s leaders warned that they are also prepared to use the full force of its Voodoo Doll Doughnut magic on him.
“Let one National Guard troop step in this city tomorrow and this Voodoo Doll Doughnut representing you gets a pretzel stick straight to the gut,” said Oregon Gov. Tina Kotek with Portland Mayor Keith Wilson nodding at her side. “That’s right—suddenly, all the food in your stomach is gonna be real salty, and then you’re gonna get real dehydrated and you’re not even gonna know until you have a throbbing headache you can’t take any Tylenol for. In the meantime, oh what’s this? Some fun blue frosting for his little hands. Mess with the City of Roses, get the thorns.”
In preparation for similar threats from the president, Seattle leaders visited the Voodoo Doughnut location today on Capitol Hill to learn how to do use the same Voodoo doll doughnut spell on Trump if necessary.
“I really appreciate the Voodoo workers teaching us how it’s done,” said City Councilmember Alexis Mercedes Rinck. “I wonder though if it wouldn’t be more effective to simply castrate a mini Cock-n-Balls doughnut.”
At press time, Gov. Kotek confirmed she has not yet used the Voodoo doll doughnut on the president—it only seems like it because its puffy legs are already merged into one sticky mass just like Trump’s.
