As part of a new health initiative that will completely circumvent the modern pharmaceutical industry, today Health and Human Services Secretary RFK Jr. announced plans at an evening press conference to extend the average American’s lifespan to eternity with just a little bite on the neck.
“No more wasting taxpayer dollars on pointless scientific studies and medicine when the key to not just longevity but immortality is right here,” croaked RFK Jr. as he cradled a hand behind Marco Rubio’s head and bit into his pliant neck. “See? He went straight from almost completely dead inside to permanently undead in seconds. Oh, Marco, do you mind if I get a quick second sip for the worm? Thanks.”
Although there are widely reported side effects to the treatment that many voiced concerns about today—including pale skin, not being able to go out during the day, and needing to feast on others’ lifeforce to stay alive—RFK Jr. said reports of them are exaggerated.
“I know my leather football of a face has scared some but that’s just me when I’m fasting – as soon as I feed I look like a young unstoppable Kennedy again,” RFK Jr. said as he hung himself upside down to rest from a busy day of blood-sucking to save America. “Q Anon was so close about JFK Jr. coming back, but I totally understand the confusion—we’re obviously both equally hot, especially after Cheryl gives me my spray tan.”
Asked how Americans will stay alive for eternity if they ever run out of fresh blood, RFK Jr. said “We suck other countries dry, duh! Come on, we’re American—you know the drill baby drill those fangs.”
At press time, Pfizer, Eli Lilly and Johnson and Johnson were already selling fresh blood at an affordable $550 a vial for generic Type O and $1,000 a vial for universal blood Type O-.
