The largest wildfire burning in the state of Washington is still alive today thanks to brave federal U.S. Border Patrol and ICE agents who arrested firefighters caught in the act of attempting to kill it.
“When we rolled up, these sick bastards were doing everything they could on a hot summer day to choke the life out of this poor Bear Gulch fire on the Olympic Peninsula who’s just trying to burn up another 9,000 acres,” said an ICE agent who for some incomprehensible reason wasn’t proud enough of his heroism to share his name. “When we say we’re here to get rid of all the immigrant murderers, we mean it, and that includes anyone risking their life to snuff the life out of a wildfire whose just trying to enjoy decimating everything around Lake Cushman before summer’s over.”
Despite the brutal attack from firefighters, the Bear Gulch fire is fortunately only 13% contained.
“Let this be a warning to all of the other 400 firefighters out here that it’s high time to give up your life of getting third degree burns committing third-degree murder of wildfires,” said another ICE agent who also wouldn’t tell us their name. “If you’re desperate for a job—I mean looking for a career you can be more proud of—just FYI: ICE is currently hiring agents who think they have what it takes to detain people caught in the act of walking old ladies across the street, rescuing dogs from being put down, and kissing their children goodnight.”
At press time, the ICE agents had reportedly moved on to arresting nurses at Harborview caught aiding and abetting in the murder of several people’s deadly infections, diseases and cancers.
