Within hours of arriving in war-ravaged Portland, hundreds of National Guard troops are reportedly already lost at Powell’s Books.
“What floor is this? Show yourselves, Antifa! And the exit, please,” said one scared, trapped soldier before firing several rounds into a memoir of President Dwight D. Eisenhower. “Got ‘em. Still don’t know how the fuck to get out of here though. I CAN’T READ HELLLP!!”
While reinforcements have already been ordered to arrive in the city soon, National Guard leaders admit they’re being extra cautious and only sending in their most elite squads on a rescue mission to save the troops from the giant, labyrinthine book store.
“If our brave troops can weather whatever bookstore version of Night at the Museum they’re about to face overnight without accidentally getting bewitched by Jane Austen, I think we have a chance at finding them still alive by dawn,” said General Theo Bahn. “Apparently some Portland civilians are also trapped inside, freaking out, and pleading for help but mostly because they can’t believe the bookstore owner is selling merch designed by AI instead of a local independent artist. No matter where you look or who you are, you have to ask what is this godforsaken world coming to?”
At press time, Seattle confirmed it’s ready to direct any National Guard troops potentially headed their way next straight into the treacherous aisles of Pike Place Market.
