Even though he’s no longer leading a major corporation, today Bill Gates said he had to drop by the tech CEO summit at the White House this week to personally compliment President Donald Trump on marrying a woman who didn’t ditch him just because he’s obviously in the Epstein Files.
“I needed to commend you in person on this inspiring, long-lasting marriage you have to the kind of woman so vacuous of heart and soul that she’ll stick by your side no matter what crimes against humanity you’ve committed,” said Gates as he sat next to a blushing First Lady. “All those years I was visiting Jeffrey on Epstein Island for marriage advice, I should have been coming to you!”
Gates and his former wife Melinda French Gates divorced in 2021 amid rumors of inappropriate relationships he had at Microsoft and increasing evidence that he had extensively interacted with Jeffrey Epstein even after he was convicted of sex trafficking underage girls.
“I just wish I had seen the red flags with Melinda sooner – the genuine ability to love, the actual interest in helping as many as people on earth with our money before we’re dead instead of hoarding it for as long as possible—she forced me to pretend I was just as good of a person,” Gates said shaking his head. “I just have a bad picker. I did alright for a while considering her annoyingly real altruism, but I can’t help but wonder how much farther I would have gone with a wife that’ll wear a coat saying ‘I really don’t care, do you?’ as babies are ripped from mothers at the border. Truly, behind every great man testing the limits of what crimes he can get away with on every front is an equally soulless enabler. Jealous of your Cheryl too, RFK Jr.”
At press time, Gates lamented to Trump that Epstein also wasn’t very good at helping him get a Nobel Peace Prize and was jealous Trump still had a shot of getting it through better friends like Bibi Netanyahu.
