After patiently doting on her tomatoes all summer and waiting for them to turn red whenever they were ready, today Bellevue gardener Roberta Nielson announced she is completely sure her green tomatoes are just fucking with her now.
“They’re trying to humiliate me in front of the neighbors, and I’ve done everything for them: organic food, marigolds to keep the goddamned squirrels away …,” Nielsen said, surveying the stubbornly immature fruit. “I even set up a Bluetooth speaker looping Sara Bareilles’ ‘Brave.’ That song makes me gag, and so does what it’s done to my algorithm. My Spotify Wrapped is going to be so embarrassing.”
Nielsen told assembled media that other tomatoes of hers had not experienced trouble ripening in years past, and that all of her other vegetable beds this year have already yielded bumper crops.
“Denise next door has brilliant Pink Brandywine heirlooms, and what do I have? Green ping pong balls going nowhere fast,” Nielson said. “I’d dig those ungrateful shits up to teach ‘em a lesson, but they’ve gotta turn soon, right? It’s almost September, assholes! I don’t want to, but if I have to, I’ll get my laptop and watch Fried Green Tomatoes right in front of them.”
At press time, Nielson was reportedly trying to save face by going door to door with a basket bragging about how she had too much zucchini.
