Today Microsoft confirmed rumors that its Redmond headquarters is implementing a five days a week return to work somewhere else policy for all employees.
“We tried remote, we tried hybrid, but after a lot of thought and investment in AI, we really think a full return to work somewhere else policy for everyone is the way to go,” said CEO Satya Nadella. “Some ideas! According to our research, the AI systems you helped us build and make billions of dollars off of have rendered all your education and work experience thus far obsolete—the only non-AI-affected job on the market left right now is masseuse. Oh no, sorry! A robot just made that job obsolete too.”
The company’s president, Brad Smith, says employees soon joining 15,000 other former coworkers who started their return to work somewhere else policy earlier this year can fortunately benefit from Microsoft’s new AI Reskilling Initiative.
“We want people to know that if they just learn more about how to use AI, they can still find a lot of work these days putting thousands of other people out of work before they again inevitably put themselves out of work,” said Smith. “For instance, did you know some artists, writers, editors, historians and journalists are still somehow employed? For people who know how to use AI, there are still lots of opportunities to help end original and critical thought forever.”
At press time, Nadella confirmed he hopes Redmond doesn’t mind that the company’s entire headquarters campus is already being converted into a datacenter.
