Long known as the most godless city in America, this week Seattle suddenly renounced atheism forever after witnessing the miraculous resurrection of St. Rat.
“I shall never doubt thy hallowed and everlasting glory ever again—St. Rat has risen from its stone-gray tomb of Seattle Parks paint to grant us eternal Hot Rat Summer!” proclaimed local atheist turned St. Rat disciple Mary James. “I have seen thy resurrected rodent visage with mine own eyes and shall never again lose faith that His Cheesiness is always with us to save our ratty souls from falling into the despair of eternal MAGA nation.”
Scores of converts converged upon St. Rat’s holy alcove in Capitol Hill’s Cal Anderson Park bearing spiced cheeses, candles and other offerings to celebrate it coming back to life.
“O that I may wash your feet with tears of joy, m’Lord of alleyway pestilence—or perhaps gnaw off the leftover paint still on your paws?” said new St. Rat worshipper Joanna Cooke flanked by eager crowds waiting to touch the gem of His mosaic tiles. “Bless this St. Rat’s Day and let me forever do away with the worshipping of Richard Dawkins and other false atheist idols. In the name of the Hot Rat, the Summer, and the Holy Cheese, A m e n .”
At press time, converts to the church of St. Rat were reportedly already trying to bring about the Ratpture by starting a holy war with the nearby church of Saint Bread.
