Today Washington State Governor Bob Ferguson was inconsolable about Congress’ passage of the Big Beautiful Bill, crying that severely cutting life-saving services while refusing to tax the rich even a tiny bit more was his thing.
“I just feel like no one’s remembering that I slashed Planned Parenthood’s Abortion Access Fund in half despite a 23% increase in need due to people from more conservative states needing to come here for services, all while refusing an even teensy wealth tax to prevent cuts to programs that save lives,” said Gov. Ferguson as he hugged a pillow while curled up on his bed in the dark crying. “No one remembers that I proposed $50 million in food assistance cuts despite the need for food bank support going up as the federal government slashes its support for it and SNAP benefits—and all while making it absolutely clear I would not sign a budget that involves taxing the rich even slightly.”
As Ferguson doomscrolled his phone, he cried even harder hearing House Speaker Mike Johnson respond to a question about food aid cuts with a quote directly lifted from his Governor’s Office press conference about the Washington State budget earlier this year.
“Would I want to do that if there wasn’t budget shortfall? Of course, I wouldn’t do that, right?” said Johnson. “But look, we’re not going to tax our way out of this thing.”
At press time, Gov. Ferguson reported feeling better after a few of his biggest corporate donors texted him to say they didn’t forget and that he’s the best.
