In an unprecedented moment of self-sacrificial public service, today Seattle Police Department Chief Shon Barnes said he would go to jail to protect Seattle as he arrested himself.
“Seattle residents–no matter their race, gender, sexual orientation or economic background–deserve to use their legal right to protest and even be nude at their favorite nude beach without being harassed, physically harmed and jailed by a bunch of fascists I’ve been the boss of for the last three months,” said Barnes as he handcuffed himself ahead of being dumped into a privately-run jail in Des Moines with a worse inmate safety record than Rikers. “This city also deserves to be protected from anyone who would allow Seattle police officers to help ICE agents unconstitutionally abscond with innocent people they fully intend to disappear into an inescapable prison in El Salvador.”
Asked if he was also going to jail to protect Seattle from the Trump administration’s First Amendment violations and illegal militarization of cities, Barnes said yes.
“Look, if I’ve been too scared to stand up to a bunch of rich Denny Blaine waterfront home owners, a group of transphobic religious freaks, and, lord knows, my own racist AF staff, I’m definitely not going to be able to stand up to our country’s first dictator,” Barnes said as he checked himself into a holding cell. “Best I can offer is being too busy winning chess games in jail to comply with his orders.”
At press time, Gov. Bob Ferguson had not committed to going to jail to protect people’s rights like Chief Barnes and California Gov. Gavin Newsom had, but was heavily considering how cool he might look if he ditched the glasses started slicking his hair back too.
