The Seattle community is celebrating the achievement of one man who—despite still calling it “Capital Hill” a full 36 years into life—somehow miraculously figured out how to get to the Capitol Hill Block Party all on his own today.
“I’m not an idiot—lots of people can’t remember in all these different contexts whether it’s ‘capitol’ or ‘capital’ and whether it’s capitalized—or capitolized? Fuck,” said Darren MacDonald, who amazingly found the main stage in time for the first concert set despite also thinking Jan. 6 happened at the nation’s “Capital” building. “All that matters is that I know it’s Pike Place, now let me enjoy .Anderson Paak in these shades I got from Nordstrom’s.”
Witnesses say they’re hopeful he’ll also be able to make it home all by himself tonight as well.
“He kept saying he didn’t need any help, but we’ll make sure he walks in the direction of Capitol Hill station instead of the state capital in Olympia just to be safe,” said Leslie Patterson, person who has proudly been correcting how people spell ‘Capitol Hill’ for way too long. “It’s hard for some to believe, but it turns out you can live a fully functional independent life without knowing how to properly spell ‘Capitol Hill’ or constantly correcting others’ spelling errors.”
Less fortunate today was a man still calling it “Cap Hill” who, at press time, was reportedly in Salem, Oregon still following a Seattleite’s directions to drive south on “The Five” until it ends.
