After the team that was once the SuperSonics, the Oklahoma Thunder, won their first NBA Finals Championship since leaving Seattle 17 years ago, sources are confirming Sonics fans for the first time have reached the NBA Final Stage of Grief.
“The first NBA Stage of Grief when your team breaks up with you, as we all know, is denial that a basketball team that was once yours could ever be better off without you, which is totally delightfully true in some cases,” said Chief NBA Psychologist and Zen Master Phil Jackson. “When it’s not, though, you enter the next NBA Stage of Grief, anger, when you peep them somehow getting close to earning that championship ring as they get all hot and sweaty against LeBron James on the Miami Heat. It doesn’t work out—they don’t get the ring: Enter the NBA bargaining stage of grief. Delusionally, you think maybe you can win them back. Your mayor cruelly lets you think it’s possible. That is, until the next stage: Depression. Which really sucks, so as much as I know it hurts, the Final Stage of NBA Grief, acceptance, should be a welcome one.”
Although Jackson’s analysis of reaching acceptance rang true for many Sonics fans, several other Sonic fans are saying “like fuck I have or ever will.”
“If you think true Seattle sports fans will ever get sick of cycling through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression, you don’t know shit about Seattle sports and you never did,” said diehard Sonics fan Evan Riley as he popped a Prozac. “A Seattle sports fan who has reached acceptance is just someone who isn’t a Seattle sports fan anymore.”
At press time, any peace Sonics fans had finally found was reportedly completely upended by Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell swearing they still have a chance at bringing them back.
