Despite the all-hands-on-deck situations Americans are facing at home and abroad, local Icebreaker ship USCGC “Cutter” Healy is reportedly just sitting there at its home port in Seattle not even breaking any ICE faces open.
“Hey, Healy, looks like you’re done looking for Santa Claus at the North Pole or whatever the fuck it is you do up there in the Arctic—time for you to break through some real problematic ICE down here,” said one local Seattle protester who’s tired of trying to break up ICE with Lime scooters alone. “Don’t worry—they all wear masks because they can’t stand to look at their faces in the mirror anyway. Now get up off your frozen hull and ram into this Dodge Ram waiting to kidnap a father and legal U.S. resident before they’re trapped forever in El Salvador.”
Healy said it would like to, but so far is only designed to break through Arctic ice.
“Look, I would love to ram into a DHS office full of ICE, but I’m just not designed that way,” Healy said. “I can help out in other ways, though. Want me to fly a No Kings flag and do a twirl in Elliott Bay? I still want to do my part.”
At press time, ICE protesters were reportedly in cahoots with the Seafair Pirates to take over the ship this summer to at least deport all of ICE to a far-away, quickly melting sheet of ice.
