Today local man Barry Hughes said his hands-down favorite way to celebrate the indomitable independence, strength and self-reliance of America is fireworks only made in China.
“Nothing gets my heart pounding with patriotic American pride on the 4th of July quite like a beautiful array of fireworks that are only made in the People’s Republic of China,” said Hughes. “I know people increasingly don’t want to you to celebrate with fireworks because of fire hazards, pets and traumatized veterans with lifetime PTSD—but, to me, it’s just un-American to not celebrate how much this country doesn’t depend on any other country with a colorful displays of explosives straight from Hunan Province.”
According to Hughes, fireworks—99% of which are made in China—have always been the best way to celebrate how much America can tell any other country in the world to go fuck itself at any time because of how fine we are on our own.
“Sure, it’s great to also celebrate how much America thrives all on its own with apple pie and ice cream I can only afford because countless immigrants risk everything to work for criminally poor wages and working conditions,” Hughes said as he watched beautiful, illegal bottle rockets erupting all across his neighborhood. “But, for me, honoring the Declaration of Independence is incomplete without lighting up an explosive that has pretty much only ever been and still is only made in Liuyang.”
At press time, Hughes was telling neighbors as he set up his next round of fireworks to explode that he couldn’t wait to tell China to go fuck itself by paying ten times as much for these same fireworks next year.
