A group of waterfront homeowners announced this week that they will be suing the City of Seattle after it refused to prevent nudity at Denny Blaine Beach by draining Lake Washington.
“All the city has done to reduce lewd behavior at the park is send more police, parks department employees, and work closely with a very engaged group of beach regulars who also want it to be safe for everyone, and it’s not enough—the lake needs to be drained now,” said local multi-millionaire Pam Petty. “As if it’s not bad enough they haven’t emptied the lake on-command, they’re even planning hundreds of thousands of dollars of improvements for the park instead, obviously only to accommodate local masturbators.”
Asked if it was going a bit overboard to destroy Denny Blaine, many other parks and Lake Washington itself just to make sure no uncouth behavior happens near her home ever again, Petty said not at all.
“All we want is for this publicly owned beach to be operated like it’s actually a private beach owned by the most rich, over-entitled, time-wasting, homophobic assholes in the city,” Petty said. “And if the city can’t make that happen, the park should obviously just be eliminated altogether along with the lake just to make sure no one ever comes back. Sure, we’ll miss the lake a little too, but we have three other waterfront homes at other lakes.”
At press time, Petty was already demanding Lake Chelan be emptied after seeing two men in speedos kiss in it.
