The family of a dove blown into a “sea of feathers” by a fastball pitch from Randy Johnson in 2001 are protesting the Mariners decision to retire the Hall of Famer’s number.
“There may be 51 reasons to retire the number 51, but not being a murderer isn’t one,” said the late dove’s great great great great great grand-son at a press conference today. “Until justice is served by Miley Cyrus coming at him like a wrecking ball, he’s still got feathers on his hands.”
While sympathetic to the dove’s family’s brutal loss, Mariners management said they would be moving forward with retiring Johnson’s number next year.
“It was a freak accident—doveslaughter, not murder and Randy has apologized,” said the Mariners in a statement released today. “We do agree announcing Randy’s number retirement at the same time as our new Game Hens from Heaven promotion was a little insensitive, so we’ll at least think of a different fun ball park food for the occasion.”
At press time, the Mariners said they would instead serve Trident Chicken Skewers.
