In yet another tragedy for the local mountaineering community, the King County Medical Examiner confirmed today the victim of last week’s climbing accident was not Tina Smith’s ex.
“Please please please be the ex who tried to gaslight me into thinking he wasn’t cheating on me while he was still literally thrusting his dick into another woman on our bed five feet away from where I was standing in the doorway,” said local woman Tina Smith as she excitedly opened up the news article hoping for the best, only to discover the worst. “No! Of course: It’s another nice public school teacher and father who sounds like they’re actually worth loving and grieving. Just once, could it at least be someone who spent way too long pressuring me to watch their favorite Netflix show? Is that too much to ask?”
The investigation into what caused the accident is still ongoing, but early reports indicate the main contributing factor was being a remotely good person with no track record of deliberately emotionally or physically abusing anyone.
“So many things can go wrong on these climbs, and you really have to take every precaution, including being the kind of piece of shit who God always drags ass on killing for some reason,” said local climber Chase Larson who’s currently prepping for a climb up Mount Rainier by stonewalling his wife the entire last month. “A lot of people don’t know this, but no one was ever as invincible on K2 as Henry Kissinger.”
At press time, tragedy had already struck again as the world learned of another Boeing plane crash that wasn’t Air Force One.
