As the nation’s stock market chaos continues after President Trump’s new tariffs, today recently resigned King County Executive Dow Constantine assured everyone that the local Dow is actually “doing pretty, pretty good” after he appointed himself CEO of Sound Transit.
“I know a lot of people are losing money right now—but not me, mothafuckas,” said Constantine as he leaned back on a bed of Benjamins. “The local Dow’s annual salary just got bumped up from $300k as County Exec to nearly half a million a year as CEO of Sound Transit. I’d like to thank me for hiring me for the job via all the people I appointed to the Sound Transit Board while I was County Exec. I knew I would land on my feet after I announced I wouldn’t be running for office again, because having this job in the bag is obviously the only reason I didn’t run for office again. Special thanks to everyone who acted like anyone else had a chance at the job.”
While some criticized the Sound Transit Board’s hiring process for having no public transparency and selecting a politician for what is not supposed to be a political role at the public transit agency, many others pointed to how good it is and will continue to be for Dow.
“Sometimes we need to pan out and see the bigger picture, like how much easier it’s going to be for a person who doesn’t use public transit to put light rail stations in places that make no fucking sense like a dead-end under I-90 that’s a ten-minute walk to the ID station if you want to transfer from the 1 Line to the 2 Line in the future,” said Sound Transit spokesperson Lacey Knackers. “Sure, none of it makes sense to the little people who use the system like you and me, but for Dow, Mayor Bruce Harrell and whatever developer they made a short-sighted backroom deal with, it’s gonna be really great.”
At press time, Dow was making sure after his Sound Transit CEO photoshoot at Union Station that the beautiful landmark facility is never used for anything else that makes any sense ever again.
