After years of trying to convince people its various attempts at artificial intelligence software are on the cutting edge of innovation, today Microsoft admitted its AI is just Clippy hallucinating on shrooms.
“Okay, we admit it: We’ve never developed a digital personal assistant more advanced than Clippy—he does have way more interesting hallucinations now though like thinking he is an omniscient God because we give him access to all of your data whether you gave consent or not,” said Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella. “Also because he is on shrooms. We hope you enjoyed his predictive text suggestions in all your Outlook emails today that were just ‘wow it looks like you’re all the colors of the rainbow.’”
While using a Clippy tripping balls as its main source of AI for now, Nadella said Microsoft is investing even more in OpenAI’s more promising AI models.
“We’d love if Clippy could shamelessly rip off an artistic genius like Hayao Miyazaki’s Studio Ghibli animations, even if that artist has openly said what an exploitative disgrace AI is to life itself,” Nadella said. “For now, it’s still kinda hard to get him to stop zoning out into the Windows Media Player audio visualizations of Dark Side of the Moon.”
At press time, Nadella confirmed they had already tried to put Clippy on coke but stopped because he kept embezzling and asking people if they were looking for an affordable eight ball.
