Still riding high off his decision to reopen Alcatraz, President Donald Trump has now set his sights on Seattle’s Gas Works Park, pledging to restart operations at the long-defunct industrial site because, as he put it, “if it’s called Gas Works, then it should work.”
“We’re going to take this old park, this gas thing, and we’re going to bring it back—enough with the Priuses, Seattle, Make Gas Great Again!” Trump told reporters today. “It’ll make gas, steam, oil—maybe, maybe not. Doesn’t matter. What matters is we burn coal and make jobs—beautiful black-lung jobs right there in Seattle.”
City officials scrambled to explain that Gas Works hasn’t produced gas since the Carter administration and now mostly produces Instagram content and awkward first dates.
“You can see the rusted pipes from space. It would take an act of God—and probably three Superfund grants—to make this place operational again,” said a city planning official who asked to remain anonymous. “But at this point, we mostly just nod and wait for him to move on to renaming the Strait of Juan de Fuca the Super Strait of Lindsey Graham.”
Trump later teased future stops on his “Great American Revival Tour,” including a plan to reopen the Oregon Trail complete with premium toll lanes and optional dysentery insurance.
