Following through on a promise months ago to build “public masturbation deterrent infrastructure” at Denny Blaine Park, today Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell installed a Money Shot Spotter at the nudist hot spot.
“With the help of this acoustic money shot locator technology, Seattle Police will be able to more quickly assess when, where and how hard someone is cumming in public,” Harrell said in a press conference at the park today. “Yes, we know how many other cities say the Money Shot Spotter doesn’t work because it reports too many false positives like too much sunscreen squirting out of a bottle at once. But let’s just say I’ve already blown a $2 million wad on this.”
Harrell said he was confident the technology would still compile helpful data that improves law enforcement strategy and neighborhood safety.
“The people who live here in Denny Blaine have been putting in such long hours trying to catch people pleasuring themselves on video the few times that it’s happened and I’m sure they’re sick of it—it’s time to let the technology do that for them,” said Harrell. “And this better work or else we’re going to have to go back to the neighbors’ original plan of building a playground and flooding the area with five-year-olds.”
At press time, weirdly more money shot spotter geolocation reports were coming in from nearby waterfront mansions with expensive telescopes than the park itself.
