After dutifully serving in her non-partisan role as the planet we live on for 4.5 billion years, Mother Earth was fired in a midnight email from DOGE, which accuses her of being a DEI planet.
“We need a planet based on merit, which I think we can all agree is Mars because it’s MAGA red and thousands of years ago men named it after the god of war and that sounds really cool,” said Elon Musk while hovering over a morning Cabinet briefing. “DOGE estimates 100% savings in healthcare, agriculture, defense, energy, education, and the federal workforce once all support for Mother Earth is cut off.”
Environmentalists are fighting back the best they can.
“We filed an immediate injunction against the order,” says Greenpeace activist Patricia Malone. “It escalated straight to the Supreme Court on issues of jurisdiction, but we last saw the justices sipping Mai Tais on a SpaceX rocket on its way out of the atmosphere, so we’re not optimistic.”
While Mother Earth struggles to write her next chapter, DOGE reportedly has no intention of firing Father Time.
