As one local man prepared to spend another night in Seattle homeless wondering when a bed or a better-paying job might come his way, he thanked his lucky stars he at least wasn’t sleeping in a Tesla.
“Sleeping on the street is dangerous, but nowhere near as dangerous as the backseat of a Cybertruck parked on the street at midnight,” said Vietnam War vet Brian Mullins. “Depending on how cold a night it is, I do try to sleep near one though.”
Mullins confessed sometimes he feels like a king compared to divorced crypto bros that still let themselves be seen in Teslas at any point in the day.
“When I look at a guy who lost so much on crypto and DraftKings that he’s still climbing into a Tesla instead of literally any other car, I just think, how did everything go so wrong? I can’t even imagine how much ketamine,” Mullins said, shaking his head. “While the vicious combination of PTSD and end-stage capitalism have clearly done a number on me, I do take a moment every now and then just to be thankful that I’ve never been high or depressed enough to think a Cybertruck looks cool.”
At press time, Kelly Blue Book confirmed all Tesla models are in fact now worth less than a van down by the river.
