After years of his outie suffering extreme mental anguish due to one big Mariners loss after another, this year Lumen Field innie Matt S. says he’s blissfully unaware of “whatever we’re talking about right now.”
“A sports team called the Mariners? Never heard of ‘em—is that like farm team or something?” asked Matt S., who underwent Lumen’s trademark severance procedure right before baseball season began. “I only know who the Sounders, Reign FC and Seahawks are—they’re not perfect but they’ve all got exciting histories of making it to championship games and I’m sure they’ll all get there again someday. Could you imagine how sad that would be if they didn’t, or worse, never had ever been to one period? Or were even the only team in their league who hadn’t?! I could never. Well, better get back to organizing these scary numbers … 11, 99, 50.”
According to our interview with Matt S. in the security room, he also has the peaceful countenance of someone who doesn’t know who John Stanton or Jerry Dipoto are.
“I’m not gonna lie, though—sometimes I kind of wish I knew what was going on outside Lumen and what I’m missing out on,” Matt S. said with a sigh even though he also has no idea who is president. “Sometimes I feel like all I and my coworker Kelly have to look forward to is the Kendrick/SZA concert.”
At press time, Matt S. was also either unfortunately or fortunately unaware of the agonizing yet scintillating unconsummated tension building between John Turturro and Christopher Walken.
