In a surprising finale to this year’s CPAC Holiday Party, a shirtless Steve Bannon took home top honors in the evening’s spotlight event, the ugly sweater contest.
“I truly wasn’t expecting to win,” said a flushed Bannon, out of breath and dabbing at his sweaty underbreasts with a fistful of Handy Wipes. “Not even after one of my cell buddies asked me in the clink how I managed to smuggle in a fuzzy cardigan with oversized nipples and I told him this was 100% papa pelt. I really don’t know how I beat Rudy’s hair dye-stained sweater or MTG’s bedazzled Jewish lasers from space and wildfire flames sweater.”
While Bannon insisted his entry into the CPAC contest was a one-off, he said he couldn’t rule an appearance at next year’s party to nab the honor again.
“I do have an entire year to make this thing even more disgusting—as you know, I rarely bathe, so It does tend to get matted, pill up and snag on things around the house, which can really irritate my thin, splotchy skin,” Bannon said as he itched an elbow that released a puff of dead skin into the air. “Add on the acceleration of global warming and I’ve got this thing locked up maybe for years to come.”
At press time, JD Vance was reportedly pissed he didn’t win the honor after wearing a bleeding ear bandage sweater made completely out of sanitary napkins.
