In his first order of business after the Senate confirmed him as President Donald Trump’s Health Secretary, today RFK Jr. unveiled the nation’s first universal free school lunch program on a D.C. highway roadside.
“It’s high time our nation’s children begin eating healthier and more natural food, and that journey starts today here at no cost to them near this I-395 offramp,” said Health and Human Services Secretary RFK Jr. with a hand stretched toward an animal lying dead on the highway shoulder. “I don’t know exactly what animal this was, but I do know that if school children are finally allowed to graze on free lunches like this one after picking out the bits of asphalt lodged in its guts, it’s a very organic, pasture-raised source of protein packed with great probiotics like listeria, trichinosis and taenia solium. No Red Dye No. 3 here, boys and girls—that’s real blood that’s been sitting outside for an unknown amount of time just waiting to be an excellent source of iron. Definitely better than cheese zombies.”
When asked if this was really a sustainable and safe source of free school lunches for all the children who need them, RFK Jr. said he had no doubt it was.
“While it’s no rancid beached whale or bear dumped in Central Park, this opossum or raccoon or giant sewer rat right here can actually be a great, low-carb, low-calorie meal for many tiny tots, especially after we generously equip every school with blenders for students who love a protein smoothie as much as I do,” RFK Jr. said while surveying the animal carcass to see if he wanted to take it home himself. “I’m working carefully with the Trump administration to make sure enough public transit projects are sabotaged so enough people driving cars can regularly replenish these roadsides with as many free school lunches as possible.”
At press time, RFK Jr. said schools not close enough to highways can always expand their free school lunch program with a free Huberman Lab-endorsed intermittent fasting regimen of just not eating anything for several days in a row.
