This year, in addition to showing a live feed of his international Christmas flight route, NORAD’s famous Santa Tracker is also revealing the shocking extent of his private sleigh’s reindeer emissions.
“We’ve suspected it for years, but the methane pouring out of these glorified flying cows is nuts,” said NORAD Commander General Gregory M. Guillot as the tracker showed the sleigh passing a significant amount of ozone-melting gas over Greenland. “The indisputable fact here is that flying a private sleigh around the world is significantly polluting our skies, and anyone serious about stopping global warming would immediately stop traveling that way, including Santa. If Santa wants to bring joy to the world, he should probably start thinking about using an eco-friendly tour bus and at least commercial flights to deliver his gifts.”
Santa has already announced he’ll be suing NORAD to block public access to the Santa Tracker, which he sees as a massive invasion of privacy and a potential safety hazard for himself and his reindeer.
“Look, I flat-out can’t do my job these days without a private sleigh—do you understand how many crazed fans and stalkers I have trying to get on my nice list? You should see the way some of these five-year-olds lock onto my legs and won’t let go until threatened with serious restraining orders,” Santa said in a Facetime interview with us while nibbling a piparkökur in Iceland. “And why of all people am I—a person who brings massive amounts of joy to the world—getting criticized the most here when there are dozens of other CEOs like Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk who fly Climate Pledge-branded private sleighs to the South Pole all the time just to have BBQed penguin for dinner? But, sure, go ahead and come after me instead of canceling your Amazon Prime memberships that pollute the world all year long or, God forbid, using public transit more than a few times a year—that’ll fix it. I’m the problem, it’s me.”
At press time, an Elf on the Shelf who wished to stay anonymous reported the entire source of emissions was actually just Santa himself after continuing to drink endless cups of milk worldwide despite knowing he’s lactose intolerant.
