Contrary to hopes that the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes today due to an expanded ability to love others, a report has just confirmed his heart is actually enlarged due to chronic cocaine use.
“That grump’s been isolating up there in the snow alright—the tropical kind,” said Head of Whoville Homeland Security Randy WhoSeeYou as he directed a surveillance drone over him in the hills. “Why do you think he’s always so moody and arrogant? One second he’s stealing everything in sight, the next he’s got enough super-human energy to lift an entire town’s worth of Christmas presents and send it back down into town to be in the spotlight for giving it all back. I mean, hello? He’s running around without any pants on for Who’s sakes—of course he’s high as a kite.”
The Whos in Whoville were nonetheless prepared to not only receive their presents back in a restorative justice peace circle but ready to stage the Grinch’s intervention, hand-in-hand.
“We hope it works, and if it doesn’t, we’ve got some back-up jing tinglers, gardinkas and trumtookas for him to tire himself out on until he passes out and goes back to his lair,” said Whoville Cardiologist Dr. Yancy YooWho. “Enlarged hearts are dangerous conditions, especially when they bust through their frame like that. We just hope we can get him into treatment so he stops taking coke-bumpas and never again uses anything harder than a little bong-boozler.”
As they waited for the Grinch’s return, Who parents agreed they should check through all the stockings first just to make sure they don’t contain any of the Grinch’s Christmas nose candy.
