Today the Washington Fish & Wildlife Service reported a sudden and swift surge of bald eagles attempting to renew their passports over the last week.
“Usually this time of year is when the turkeys wanna get out of Dodge,” said Regional U.S. Fish and Wildlife Director Candice Gitanywurz. “The uptick of bald eagle applications is something we haven’t seen before though. They keep coming into my office looking for expedited service like they’re in a real hurry to leave. More than a few have pretended to be Canadian geese, acting like I wouldn’t recognize them under their little bird toupees.”
One such eagle agreed to speak with us under condition of anonymity.
“Look, the eagle community is as American as it gets and even we are too scared to stick around any longer than necessary,” said the bald eagle hoping to escape to Vancouver Island. “Once our passports come in and we flock off to Canada, you’re gonna need to find a new mascot for your money and sports teams. Allow me to suggest America’s second favorite bird: giant mutant factory farm chicken.”
At press time, wild wolves and domestic dogs alike were joining the flood of WDFW passport applications after Trump announced this morning his Homeland Security Secretary would be Kristi Noem.
