With rents rising and grocery prices soaring, one local man was quietly thrilled after his house was vandalized with eggs and toilet paper during the Halloween season.
“I used to be pissed when the neighborhood kids used to TP my house, but with every trip to the grocery store costing 500 dollars nowadays, I’ve actually started looking forward to Halloween every year,” said local renter Greg Murphy, carefully scraping an egg yolk into a mason jar. “Ooh, and is this two-ply Charmin on my tree? Well la-di-da, we must have some fancy Mercer Island teenagers vandalizing our neighborhood. Hey, kids, I got dibs on the bathroom first but when I’m done, who wants an omelet?”
Once viewed as a destructive display, local teenager Weston Jameson now saw his consumer goods-based vandalism as his civic duty.
“I think it’s important to give back to my community during the holiday season, and that’s why I asked my parents to skip the Costco run and buy those expensive Whole Foods eggs so I can trash the neighborhood with something a little nicer this year,” said Jameson, dumping Bob’s Red Mill flour over a car. “Besides, some of these guys are really asking for it—I mean literally, this guy has a bullseye on his house and everything.”
At press time, Murphy’s landlord raised his rent 30% after the premium eggs raised the property value by $113.
