Coming out is hard, especially when you have no idea how your Seattle queer and/or poly friends will react to you admitting you’re a smoldering monogamous straight. Will they welcome you with open arms and eat a square vanilla cake with you in solidarity? Or will they say it’s just a phase you’ll grow out of once you’ve listened to enough Chappell Roan? There’s only one way to know: coming out.
Fortunately, there’s a lot of easy and creative ways to do it that can turn something nerve-wracking into a fun memory for years to come:
- Plank your straight body everywhere and post it on social until everyone gets it. Although valuing core strength may throw Seattle normies off initially, eventually it’ll be more than clear only a straight, monogamous person could be this far behind on a meme.
- Give up the lease to your Capitol Hill rental and buy a house in West Seattle. They will all know immediately what that means: You were never really one of them—and that’s okay. If they’re a real ally, they’ll be celebrating your culture over a casserole at your Fast and Furious-a-thon in no time.
- Wear a skeleton onesie costume and act confused when everyone keeps referencing someone named Phoebe Bridgers. For good measure, immediately change the conversation to why you think Fearless is Taylor Swift’s best album.
- Tell your friends you’ve finally met the Pam to your Jim. (Or vice versa) Go on in full detail about how much you’re already fantasizing about Office-themed nuptials.
- If breaking up with a polycule to come out, keep it simple and let them down easy with an “it’s not you, or you, or you. It’s me.” You’d be surprised how often people coming out as straight and monogamous aren’t even breaking big news because many times they, she and he already been knew.
Happy National Coming Out Day!
