As reporters, White House staff and live online streamers gathered for President Joe Biden’s last turkey pardoning ceremony today, many could not help but point out the striking resemblance one of the turkeys had to the Commander in Chief’s son, Hunter Biden.
“Mr. President, that’s the largest turkey pardoned to date by far,” said Politico reporter Brady Powell as the oddly large turkey’s head twitchingly looked out at the crowd. “Why would you pardon a turkey that could have fed so many people? That thing’s gotta be at least 170 pounds. Also, is that fucking Hunter?”
Biden was apoplectic that the entire event descended into an interrogation into whether he was actually pardoning a son convicted of a gun felony charge and three felony tax offenses.
“Look folks, I would never abuse my power to let my son off the hook for engaging in the fowl play of illegal gun ownership and not paying federal taxes he absolutely had the ability to pay and just didn’t because he thought he could get away with anything because he’s my son,” said Biden. “I have to maintain the order, civility and integrity of this office so Donald Trump will no doubt be inspired to do the same after video leaks of Don Jr. using taxpayer dollars to do lines in a giant orgy with Matt Gaetz right out on the White House lawn. You guys and your wild imaginations just because this turkey’s name is Coke Gobbler, geez.”
At press time, most attendees and viewers of the event were just relieved the world had been spared from again seeing the Coke Gobbler’s giblets.
Hunter Biden Photo by CSIS altered by The Needling (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)
