After realizing he had at least four more years of Veterans Days events walking around and caring about anyone but himself, today President-elect Donald Trump announced he’d be canceling future Veterans Days citing bone spurs.
“As much as I wish I could keep on walking around and shaking hands all weekend long with a bunch of losers who lost body parts and more serving this country, I no longer can after my physical today revealed I still have the same bone spurs that got me out of the Vietnam War draft,” said Trump at a press conference today outside a veterinary hospital. “I wanna thank the marvelous vets who tranquilized and checked me out today before I endured further irreparable harm. Unfortunately because I can no longer participate in Veterans Day, there obviously isn’t a point to it existing anymore so all future ones have officially been canceled.”
Trump assured Americans, however, that the vets found his brain was not only in excellent shape, but the best shape.
“I told them I’m a literal bald eagle and they assured me I actually had the best bird brain they’ve ever seen,” Trump said while still munching the crackers they gave him for being a good big bird. “So getting rid of Veterans Day might be the most brilliant idea an American president has ever had actually.”
At press time president-elect Trump had already one-upped his last greatest idea by canceling Memorial Day and deporting the Unknown Soldier for not having proper ID.
“Donald Trump” Photo by Gage Skidmore with alterations from The Needling is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0
