In a display of universal synchronicity during today’s rush hour, a record 12,287 I-5 drivers collectively complained “you all drive like complete goddamn jagoffs” at the exact same time.
“First time driving, huh?” chuckled 12,287 drivers simultaneously to the car directly in front of them. “Jesus. Who leaves a gap that ____ (big/small). It’s a _____ (insert car, probably Prius or truck), of course it’s an asshole in a ______ (insert car)! Every time! If they knew how to drive, they wouldn’t be driving a _____ (insert car).”
While every single one of the 12,237 was quick to assign blame on others and “this hellhole city for spawning citizens that drive like sightless grubs” they all recused themselves from the blame, making sure to indicate that the bad driving and horrific traffic was everyone else’s fault.
“I’m a great driver,” said the drivers, a population roughly the size of three Norwegian Cruise Liners. “I would never drive like that clown back there. They could have hurt someone, they’re driving way too ____ (fast/slow).”
At press time, all 12,000 drivers were overheard passive aggressively glancing at each other, muttering to themselves “you know how much better all our lives would be if you just took public transit?”
