As seasons change and nature takes its course, it’s that bittersweet time of year again when spawning humans begin returning to Auburn to breed and then slowly die.
“It was the strangest thing, I vowed never to return to my hometown but the day I turned thirty I felt this irresistible urge to drive my Dodge Challenger back to my Auburn and find a mate—uh, I mean, wife,” said recent spawner Logan Reed, itching his fresh ‘253’ tattoo. “By the time I finished the long, arduous commute against I-5 south traffic I felt like I was about to die, but I finally got there and settled right back into my old neighborhood. I’ve only been back a week but apparently I’m already engaged to my sister’s high school friend Kayleigh. Now all that’s left is to raise some kids, sit back, and slowly rot away in peace.”
Local biologists observed the phenomenon, noting the annual return of thousands of aging Seattle residents spawning back home to their South King County hometowns.
“You can try to fight it, but sooner or later your instincts will have you thinking about going to your high school reunion—next thing you know you’re singing the Kelly Rowland part of ‘Dilemma’ by Nelly at karaoke with your recently divorced high school crush and you’ll never leave again,” said UW Tacoma biologist Dr. Pat Thurman. “It’s such a well-known behavioral pattern that Hallmark has a whole genre of ‘spawning’ movies where the fast-paced business lady moves back home and settles down with a charming hometown hunk that runs a modestly successful Gingerbread House interior decorating business.”
Meanwhile confused Federal Way spawners have reportedly begun attempting to swim up the water slides at Wild Waves.
“Sign in Auburn” © Steven Pavlov / http://lovingwa.blogspot.com / CC BY-SA 3.0
